I don’t feel like writing today! I have decided that that in itself, is a good reason to write. I remember years ago when Capt. T. gave me an assignment, I said “I don’t feel like it.” To which he replied “If you did feel like it, what would you do?” and the continued “Do that!”
Emotions can be a tricky thing and right now I don’t know exactly how I feel. My 94 year old mother got her wish. She had outlived: my Dad by a quarter of a century, outlived all her siblings and most of her friends. She is likely to have a small funeral because the crowds that might have attended years ago are no longer here. My brother joked (sort of) that she didn’t want to live in a world that had Trump in the Whitehouse and her Blue Jays in last place.
She died with her mind intact and quite quickly. One part of me is very happy for her! Other parts are a bit more shrouded in mystery right now. I had the thought that now I am an orphan. That thought made me sad for me. It seems like a kind of ridiculous thought, but it is emotionally real to me.
I haven’t sorted out just how I feel. I just know I’m feeling a bit tender right now.
My mother was, like all of us, a contradiction. She was at once a woman of very real faith and she was the Worry Champion of the World. She worried about all of us and our families. Today she is a peace. Her days of worry are behind her.
Over the last 40 years or so there have always been many miles between us. I did not see her for months on end, though we often chatted on the phone. Today is not unusual, I won’t see her today, but I didn’t expect to see her. Life will go on pretty much as usual except when I get that impulse “I should call Mom.” I’m sure life will soon return to normal but I shall miss her.
How do I feel today? The best I can figure right now is: I’m happy for her and sad for me. Life goes on!